It's Hopeless...

Well i’m not entirely sure why exactly i’m writing this, but i am, so before you waste your time reading what will follow i have a few warnings for you. First, this whole thing is probably going to be depressing, secondly, it is almost totally irrelevant to you, thirdly, if you don’t like the description so far then i recommend you just go browse other more positive posts. Oh, and fourth, this is probably going to be very, very, very long.  So now that i have made that all clear, i think i will get started…

First a brief description of who i am for those of you who don’t already know. And perhaps you’ll learn some new things if you do already. I first started playing Io games years ago, but i never really got into it until i stumbled across wilds.io. Now i don’t mean the modern fancy wilds, with coins, shops, skins and weapons etc. i mean the old school wilds, before the big update, when zerk was a thing. I soon found the wilds.io userecho and began writing down my first ideas. Back then i was still a rookie at arts, and concepts. But i have always been creative and it didn’t take me long to come up with some cool ideas. When the big update came out i actually quit for a long while and didn’t come back to the game until i discovered that i could log in. previously you could not log in with Gmail and i had no facebook. i was always dragolich on here, and i was Nazgul in game. I swapped it to Sauron in game when i created the Mordor Tribe. Morder started to grow and before long i had something like 150 members. Then i had another large break from playing before i came back yet again, having had a considerable amount of experience actually working for other io games. Mope.io was my biggest achievement, when i became the official ability designer for the second largest io game. But that didn’t last for long since i quit. I had adopted the name Wilderlord by then on discord, and so i left my tribe (Mordor) and renamed myself Wilderlord to avoid confusion. I’m going to leave my description there because i have already written far to much and it’s time i get into the real reason for this whole post in the first place.

So far i have only written about my computer identity, but that’s not what this post is about. I am going to tell you about what is happening in my real life… i know, i know, some of you will be thinking “what? I don’t want to hear about your real life… this is a userecho for ideas not meaningless shit about someone's life who i don’t even know”. I understand those of you with such an opinion, but please respect my decisions and don’t harass me about it in the comments. Some of this is also an explanation to certain users, specifically among them, Mrrppp and shadow_wolf, but there are so many more i have not the time to name, and not all of whom even play wilds.io. I have been delaying the real content for too long now, and it’s time i get started. So there are a few important things you need to know about my real life. Those being… i’m a boy and I’m 14 years of age. I live in a small town in the countryside and i love snowboarding and basketball.

Unfortunately i have been suffering from depression (even i if still seem to keep a generally friendly attitude) as well as stress and some anxiety. But i’m somewhat skipping ahead there, so i’m going to start way back. When i was just 9-11 years of age, i used to get severely bullied in primary school ever since i stood up for a kid who i hardly even see these days. I used to get surrounded by a large group of boys and gang bashed. Generally treated with resentment and disrespect, secluded from playing games. Once i even got told of for punching a bully in the face. After which he ground my face into the dirt. I was always the one who got in trouble, not the bullies. Once i had been beaten up, so i went to the teacher and told her. She replied “don’t be a nark”. As you can imagine my years in primary school were not particularly… enjoyable. Luckily soon after i had turned 11, i was moved up to high school since they needed the extra numbers to stay open in a small town like ours (the majority of students are farmers anyway). In high school our numbers converged with that of the other smaller school in my town, before it was split into 3 separate classes. Luckily i was put into a class not containing the bullies that used to harass me in my younger years. On top of that, the high school was far more strict with misbehavior. My first year in high school passed with few bullying issues, and those few were always resolved quickly by teachers.

The next year the classes changed considerably, since two year groups were put together into a single class, the year above me moved on and i was put in a class with students of my age and  a year younger. I disliked some of the younger students i was put in with, but overall it was a good year as well. By the time i was 13 and only a year younger than my current age i was no longer picked on or targeted for bullying, even by the students who used to. The main reason was probably i would end up winning in a fight, and also after the years apart they had forgotten old grudges. So far i have been brief in everything, but now that i’m getting closer to the current time i’m going to go into more detail. So, that brings me to the end parts of 2017, and the beginnings of 2018. A warning, if you think this has already been long, then stop reading now because it’s going to get a whole lot longer…

Near the end of 2018 i got my job for mope.io because KOA the developer really liked all of my ideas. Although i somewhat regret the time i wasted working on mope.io (which was huge) i still miss those times. Mainly because of a few online friends who i hope come to read this message, but due to issues i will explain later i will likely have trouble contacting them. So these friends were, TheGiantSlug, TNTsquid, and SirNathan. When i got the job, KOA directed me to Slug. Slug told me to get a discord account so we could talk easier so that’s what i did. Through work together, me and slug became great friends and i remember talking to him often, whether discussing Mope.io updates or just chatting. Really, it doesn't seem that long ago we last talked. Slug was a great friend and really the only other friend who i regularly talked to was TNTsquid. If you see this Slug, then this is my message for you:

“i’m sorry that my account suddenly went blank without explanation, but there was really nothing i could do… i miss the good old days when we could just talk for hours on end without getting bored and i hope your… specifically close relationship is going fine and that your life is continuing in its clearly positive path. I also wanted to thank you for all your advice even if you really had no idea what you were talking about in terms of girls, and i’m sorry for embarrassing you by writing this in public where everyone can see. I was thinking of starting this massage by saying ‘Henlo you slimy slug’ but then thought better of it XD. I would also like to notify you that i’m trying my best to get back on discord and as soon as i do i will try get back into contact. Yours sincerely with lots of smiley faces or whatever - WilderLord”

So all that mope.io stuff was happening during after school time. I had not yet got into contact with TNTsquid at that point. So meanwhile in school, i really liked this girl in my class. If you read my message to Slug above you may see the connection. I told slug most of the important stuff that happened over my day. but he started to pay less attention to it once he himself started paying more attention to girls. Anyway, i was really in love for the first time in my life and i was totally sure about it. When i told her she reacted surprised but not upset. Then we started hanging out more, and she said she liked me too. But then, things turned bad. One of my friends also liked her and he didn't realize just how close me and her had really got. So he asked her out… she said yes. I was totally broken. That was when i first started becoming depressed. The worst thing that can happen to someone, is having things taken away from them. Therefore the word “loss” is often used with a great deal of other negative words such as “grief, torment, sorrow, pain” and a great deal of other bad words that i’m not going to waste time mentioning.

The worst thing someone could have taken from them, i have few doubts is exactly what was taken from me then, “love”. For example if i had lost the drone i had got from my grandfather for my birthday (which did happen) then i would not really feel much pain at all, i would feel anxiety that it wouldn't be found again, but not really what i experienced in this situation. The love didn't really go away, more or less it burned like a hot poker in my chest. It racked me with immense mental pain, distress, misery and much worse. I fought so hard against the urge to cry in public. even the slightest thought of her would trigger off all the above. I managed to bring my mind off her while i was playing basketball and talking online with slug. Apart from that my whole life had become a drag. I no longer enjoyed life in general, pain dominated my every thought. Luckily events somewhat improved, but in the long run i would not call things much better than before. The holidays began. I hung out with my friends more and more often once she was no longer with them, so for the first 2 weeks of the holidays we hung out most every day.

Soon however, i received news that she had broken up with my other friend because she said that she hadn’t really liked him. she had been trying to make him feel better when she had said yes, not thinking about the other consequences that would follow her quick and irresponsible decision. She ended up hurting him more than if she had said no in the first place, and hurt me severly in the process. We began to talk over discord that holidays. I tried to forget the pain that she had put me through but it wouldn't go away even once things seemed to be working well. We started officially going out so as to avoid any more confusion after that. Unfortunately since she didn’t have any internet, nor did she live close enough to see her in person. So i could only talk with her while she was away from home. While i wasn’t in contact with her i felt depressed and upset with life. I spent too much time on the computer trying to contact her. One good thing that happened over the holidays was me getting into contact with TNTsquid through Slug.

Slug sent me a link to a join a scribble.io game with him TNTsquid  and some other people slug knew. I had seen TNTsquid before on the deeeep.io subreddit. Oh yeah, i used to be into deeeep.io as well. I was one of the first players. I had always looked up to TNTsquid because he made such awesome deeeep.io arts and he had an awesome name that suited deeeep.io. He was also a Mod on the mope.io subreddit, and as far as i was the only mod that wasn’t just an annoying pest... So when i found out that Slug was his friend and that TNT was desperately wanting slug to give him a job but Slug had none. I mentioned that it would be nice to have someone to make arts for my concepts. I said i would like it if TNT took the job. So he did, he was eager to do all the jobs i set for him and we became great friends. Once i quit mope.io me and TNT talked more than slug because slug was always more focussed on things beyond his computer screen and wasn’t on as much when he quit his job. TNTsquid is really a great person, if not a little low in self esteem. If you see this TNT buddy, then i have a message for you just like Slug:

“Also just like with Slug, i’m sorry for my sudden disappearance. I’m sure it must have been confusing with me just vanishing. I would have been shocked if you had done it instead. Just remember that your awesome TNT and no one can take that from you. I hope you manage to spend some more time off the the computer. You always spent even more time on than me and slug. I will contact you straight away once i get back on discord. I could either stop writing here, or write a massive message to you several pages long. Due to the fact this isn’t private i will have to keep this message short. Whatever you do remember that the world is a better place with you in it. You are a great friend TNT, i look forwards to talking again. Yours sincerely, with lots of smiley faces or whatever - Wilderlord”

Meanwhile over the holidays i managed to arrange a day to meet with my girlfriend. Unfortunately most of my friends came over as well and i practically totally ignored them and got physical with her. This is a decision i severely regret. I acted without thought for others, i just wanted to hold her close after all that time apart. As you can imagine the friend of mine who still liked her was damaged greatly by it. The next day i went over to his house feeling very guilty. I apologised as best i could although it was rather awkward. I brought him and one of my other friends accompanying me a frappe which cost all my pocket money which at least made me feel a bit better. He accepted my apology and we have been getting on fine since then. It seems such a long time ago all of that…

The rest of the holidays passed by normally, i hung out with my friends most every day. Before long they were over and we were back at school. Since we were using computers in school this year i also talked to TNT, Slug and my other online friends during class. Things began to look bad between me and her before long. She had this friend who followed her around everywhere. For some reason this friend of hers resented me for no apparent reason. Eventually i made the decision to break up. Don't think i made his decision lightly, i wrote 10 reasons why:

1. i didn't really wanna hurt my friend anymore, and i was sick of being his friend while going out with her, it made me feel awkward and uneasy.

2. My friends, they kept on peer pressuring me into spending more and more time with her, i didn't want my relationship with her to ruin my other friendships

3. My parents, they didn't like me going out with her, i guess they were right, but they still made things a lot harder for me. And that hurt a lot.

4. Her close friend, she was a large cause for my decision, she was her best friend, and for some reason she hated me. I’m still not sure why. She was always trying to ruin our relationship.

5. Over the weekend, i began to like someone else, i just couldn't stop myself. I wanted to be free, after all the bad stuff that was going on with her.

6. I wanted to have a better friendship with her, i thought it would work better, just to be friends. Instead of going out. That would also be the advice from my parents.

7. Time, i had other commitments including basketball, school work, my friends, and yes, i admit, some gaming. But i never put gaming above her.

8. I guess, something that kind of sums all this up, is that i’m not ready to get a girlfriend, i think my life would be better without such a responsibility. I’m far too young.

9. School, being at school, you always feel like you are being judged by others, i could never really hang out with her and feel relaxed, this really didn't help our relationship.

10. Pain… i had gone threw far to much mental pain, from all of the above, and more personal reasons, which even i don’t understand. I had had enough, i wanted the pain to go away.

And those were my ten reasons… now i sometimes feel regret for the decision. But honestly i know i made the right one. And so i left our relationship in past. i did my best to forget about it but it left a wound deep within me that still won’t go away, even now.

So far i’m still talking about things that seem further back in the past, even if they were just earlier this year. After we broke up i started liking another girl but i shrugged it off because i didn't want to get in the same situation again. Even that hurt though, ever since then i have been behind in my schoolwork, and even when i caught up i felt like i was behind. I started to get stressed and have anxiety attacks in class. Once i had to leave science class and stand out in the hallway for half an hour breathing at an unnatural speed. The reason for this was more complex than it might have seemed. I liked another girl, but i had never met her in real life. In fact, she was from another country. She even spoke another language. I hated myself for it though, i didn’t want to like her. It was around this sort of time that i made the new wilds.io discord. Then i was suddenly without warning blocked from my discord account. Being blocked from talking to her suddenly drove me back into depression, my parents were very concerned. They ended up banning me from my computer for most of the last holidays. They didn’t realize they were just making that pain worse for me.

Since then i have been trying to get back on discord without success. I don’t have a phone of my own so i can’t do the gmail verification. In addition i will have to do this all on another computer or discord will detect it. One day i will be able to use my friends phone at the library and i should be able to fix up this mess… i hope. And i think that basically leads up till now. I’m sorry for boring those of you who read all this.